My family

"We disregarded the concept of "family" in the 25th century ,when scientists finally proved that all our hang ups and neuroses are caused by our parents"- Nirvana Crane, Red Dwarf series V.
I don't fully agree with this statement but it has been proven that the way a person reacts to situations and therefore develops as a human being takes root in your relationships with your parents. Though I'm well aware that this can also be effected by other aspects of your life and your genes this post is about my relationship with my parents. I feel that it is important to establish the impact families have on a person (Though saying that maybe I should have used a more serious source than Red Dwarf.)
My parents divorced when i was 5. I really have very few memories of them being together and the ones I have tend to be due to photos I've seen. I now know that they were in trouble for a while before my dad actually moved out. I do remember when my dad left though, It's hazy but I remember sitting on the stairs in our hallway waiting for my dad to come home and asking my mum where he was. I also remember it being ages until we heard from him and being really worried. I think i spent most of my time next to the phone. Saying that it was probably only a few days. My dad can't go more than a week without talking to me so I know he wouldn't have left me for long, but when your 5 a few days seems like an eternity.
For a long time I blamed my mum for my parents divorce. She very quickly found someone new. His name was Jack and we have never really hit it off. I sometimes still think that my mum actually cheated on my dad. There have been various hints since but she denies it. I know that neither of them would actually tell me if it was true. It didn't help that I had my dad telling me that she was responsible and that he had wanted to give it another go.
I was always a daddies girl. When I was young I idolized my father. I guess it was because I only saw him every other weekend so he never had to discipline me. I also think my dad found me difficult to handle so resorted to treating me like a mini adult, which lets face it is just what children want. I'm also my dads only child so he does tend to try and spoil me. Even now if I say I plan to get something he'll offer to buy it for me. Now I'll refuse but when I was little I can't deny that it wasn't an incentive. I think as I got older my dad found me even harder to deal with and now he tries to show his love by buying me things. Ok so that makes me sound spoilt and I'd like to think that I'm not. When I was old enough I worked as a waitress and always had to save for the things I wanted. My parents came from working class backgrounds and have always instilled in me the importance of working and saving money.
My relationship with my mother was the polar opposite to my dad. I don't know who's fault it was and I don't think that any one party was to blame but I became very isolated from the rest of my family (My mum, Jack, and my brother Jacob) I always felt like a, very unwelcome, third wheel. I think as a child I pushed my mum away and that after my parents divorce my mum was left with a child who only reminded her of the mistakes she made. All I did was keep her tied into a relationship which left her depressed and totally drained. Not only that but I was a tie to the man who had caused her to end up that way.
When my mum met Jack I know that she was not thinking about me (she's admitted as much). Jack, to his credit, knew that it was not a good idea for him to meet me straight away and for a long time him and mum would sneak around. When I finally met him I didn't like him. At one point after we'd moved in to his flat I told him that my dad was going to kill him and that my mum would be the person giving him the gun. All this came from my dad telling me that if Jack ever hurt me he would kill him, Not really something you tell a 6 year old, I did say that my dad treated me like an adult.
When I was 7 my mum fell pregnant with my little brother Jacob who was born on the 4th of July 1992. I have not been the best sister to him, something which i am now trying to make up for. Before he was born I remember asking my mother if the thing in her tummy was a monster as Jack was it's father. Don't get me wrong I love my brother to pieces he's just finished his GCSE's and I couldn't be more proud of the person he's becoming but there was a lot of jealousy when I was actually living at home. My mum is and has always been very close to my brother. Someone once said that " The beauty of "spacing" children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones - which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones. " In my mums case she was too distant with me and she tends to be overprotective when it comes to my brother.
I never truly felt like a wanted member of the family. I have a vivid memory of a time when Sam and Joe (Jacks other sons) came down to stay. Jack was desperate to have a picture of him and all his sons together. That I understood but he really wanted my mum in the photo as well. My mum hates having her photo taken so Jack spent ages trying to get her to sit for it. When I went to join them to be in the picture I was told that I wasn't wanted. I remember standing in the kitchen with my mum while they took the photo and feeling totally left out.
This feeling occurs even now. I moved away from home as soon as I finished my A Levels which is coming up to 5 years ago. Last week they all came up and took me and Rich out for a meal. As soon as they arrived I reverted back to the uncomfortable 16 year old I had been. Later Rich commented that he always felt sad seeing me with my mum, Jack and Jacob because I obviously am the outcast. I do sometimes wander if this is a role I have created, but then I've tried to think positively and I try to feel part of the family but it always ends in those same feelings of neglect.
I no longer blame my mum for my parents divorce, but the damage has already been done. When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Turners syndrome. This came with the knowledge that I could not have children. At the time I was about to take my GCSE's and so I blocked it out telling myself and my parents that I didn't need to go to counciling, that I was strong enough to cope. If I'm honest now I don't think I was but at the time it was what I needed to get through my exams. I don't think my mum could cope though. She would drink with Jack but instead of staying in the kitchen she began to come and sit with me. She would sit down and hug me and sigh. She would then talk to me for ages about her divorce, my medical stuff, her childhood etc. It was the first time we'd ever talked like a mother and daughter. She would also tell me how proud she was of me for the way I was coping During these sessions I came to realise how much I'd pushed my mother away. I also got my mothers side of the story when it came to her relationship with my father.
Around the same time, maybe earlier, I began to understand that my dad was not perfect. I remember one christmas I spent with my dad and his then partner Katherine. My dad was moody and obviously disliked Katherine's sons. Especially her eldest son David. In my dads actions towards David I saw a mirror image of my relationship with Jack. This realisation shock me and I don't think I have seen my dad in the same light since.
Even though I found this new understanding of my mum it did not mean that we became close. My relationship with Jack caused a lot of tension in the house. Our relationship has only developed since I moved away. Whenever I had a problem which meant that I had to talk to my mum I would have to pull her away from Jack so we could speak in private and as soon as she returned Jack would say something along the lines of "what does she want now?" Needless to say I only ever confided in my mum if I really needed too.
I've written a lot about my parents without really explaining who they are and what they are like. My mum is called Dawn and my dads called Pete. Both my parents are teachers. My mum is a history teacher and my dad is an art teacher. My dad loves to climb. He used to be a great climber and he has a lot of new routes under his belt. He had a huge car crash when I was about 9 which left him with terrible back problems. In the last few years he has begun to lose all feeling in his legs and now he can hardly walk he's in so much pain. Last week he had an operation on his spine which is already giving positive results but it's just a case of waiting to see how much feeling he gets back. My dad had a very hard childhood and I know that he has always been very careful that I never go through this. Maybe that is the reason for his comments about Jack when I was young. My dad can be a very hard man to spend time with. His mood can turn very quickly and he has a tendency to become very sullen when upset. One of the things I have realised over the years is that I seem to always be on edge around him, determined not to say anything that will make him angry. Saying that I'm still my dads daughter.
It shames me to say that I don't know very much about my mother. I know that she can be painfully shy at times and that she finds it hard to make friends, even though she always seems to have loads of them. At the moment she's involved with teaching children about the holocaust. She is involved with a scheme which takes two children from every secondary school to Auschwitz. I am very proud of her for this. This year she took a sabbatical and completed an MA in history which I know she has enjoyed. One memory I have from my childhood with my mum is that whenever we would go into a shop she would sing along to the music and dance to embarrass me and my brother. Once she started to dance in the body shop in Plymouth and a group of her students were stood behind her. Me and my brother burst out laughing. Now I just dance along with her. I think I get a lot of my "crazier" side from my mum. She has a very dry wit and if you cross her she has a very sharp tongue. My mum also has the best evil looks you'll ever see on a person. Jack often says that I've adopted these looks and that being in the room with both of us is terrible. All this I now love about my mother but not great when you are a painfully shy and troubled teenager. When i brought back my first boyfriend my mum left us in the house alone. The first thing my mum asked when he left, in front of Jacob and Jack, was "did you share any bodily fluids?" I was mortified! but then thats my mum.
I'm sure to anyone this post seems like my attempt to show what a terrible childhood I have had. I am in no way saying that I had a terrible childhood. I had everything I ever needed. I was never hit or mistreated and I know that a lot of people aren't a luck as I was to have two parents who loved and protected me. I also know that my parents would do everything in their power to help me if I got into trouble tomorrow and for that I am truly great full. But this post was actually very difficult for me to write. I have never really voiced some of the issues discussed here. This post is not to show how hard done by I was/ am. It is purely a way of purging myself of some issues which I still have and which I need to resolve.